Date: 21st March
I don't believe I agreed to do this. 'Keep a diary' Sandburg said, then he repeated the request every hour for three days until I relented. So here I am.
What the fuck am I supposed to write in here anyway?
One month, he said. I just had to do it for one month. Write *something* every day. Write about my 'feelings', yeah right, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.
Anyway... I wrote something.
Date: 22nd March
Nothing happened, my life isn't worth shit. End of story.
Date: 23rd March
Sandburg lurched in late from a date last night. He reeked of perfume, I'm thinking of getting him fumigated.
Date: 24th March
Sandburg out late again. Why do I get a roommate who makes more noise than a marching band when he crawls in after fucking half the co-eds at Rainier? God, I'm irritable today.
Date: 25th March
Sandburg and I went to a Jags game, then on to that new curry house. Had a blast, just don't tell him I said that. Only *he* could turn a trip to a curry house into sensory tests. We walked home... in the rain.
'It has a cleansing effect' he said as we were getting soaked. Is that what they call it!
All in all, not a bad day. The Jags won, we had a good time and I'm so tired I can barely see to write.
Date: 26th March
Lazy day. Not often that both Sandburg and I have the same days free. I wondered why he wasn't out with his co-ed. 'That was a non starter' he said. Well, I'm all broken up over that.
Date 27th March
I hate police reports, lucky Sandburg loves them really. Okay, he doesn't exactly *love* them, but he doesn't slip into a coma in the middle of them, so that's a good enough reason for me to hand them over.
Scared the shit out of that slimy bastard in accounts, he's screwed up my expenses once too often.
*And* can you believe... he asked Sandburg out? Like Blair Sandburg would be interested in some four-eyed, no necked accountant! Not to mention the fact that he thought my partner was gay!
Should have let the tires down on his car, but yeah, Sandburg was right, that would have been juvenile. Would have felt good though.
Blair... gay???? Hah!
Date 28th March
I really don't believe Sandburg sometimes. He seems to think that this whole thing with that bastard from accounts is funny!
Am *I* laughing?
He just told me to 'chill out'.
Date 29th March
All day in court. Somebody shoot me.
Date 30th March
Faced with another day in court I considered suicide, but after I saw that fucker from accounts talking to my partner again, I leaned more towards homicide.
Sandburg's actually *smiling* at the guy. Personally I'd like to pull his lungs out through his ear.
Date 31st March
Got the standard lecture from Sandburg last night after I tackled him about that little shit from accounts.
'Will you relax about that?' he said, 'And quit being so damned gender specific?'
If I knew what that meant, I'd probably be worried.
Date 1st April
Only one fool around here today. Shit, it's so embarrassing I can't even write it down.
Date 2nd April
Got another lecture from Sandburg on 'taking control of my temper' and 'working through my embarrassment'.
It was very embarrassing.
Okay... yesterday, I went a little postal when that guy from accounts put his arm around Sandburg in the bullpen. I guess I came on a bit strong and ended up looking like an asshole.
I just don't like other guys touching him.
Date 3rd April
Left my urgent report at the loft. Simon was pissed. Swore at a motorist for driving too slowly only to find out it was a nun. Almost bit Rhonda's head off over nothing at all, but I apologized and bought her some flowers, then I groveled... a lot.
Sandburg at the U all day, says he'll be late tonight.
Date 4th April
Sandburg didn't get home until 2am. Didn't smell women on him though, but I could smell aftershave on his clothes.
Sandburg doesn't wear aftershave.
Date 5th April
On stakeout tonight. Just asked Sandburg if he's coming with me, he said yeah.
Fuck,I *really* want to ask him about that aftershave. None of my business, I know.
All evening on the stakeout, but we got the bad guys. Should have seen Sandburg tackle the one guy with a flying leap, hell, it was impressive.
Didn't ask about the aftershave exactly, though I dropped enough hints.
Sandburg obviously doesn't *do* hints.
Date 6th April
Day off and God do I need it. What I don't need is my partners proposed lecture on 'possessive and territorial behavior'. I always feel like I did when I was twelve and my dad found me with my hand up Kathy Fischer's dress.
Same date; late evening.
I did it again. I acted like an asshole. What *is* wrong with me? I ended up yelling at Sandburg and accusing him of fucking the guy from accounts just to annoy me.
The worst part is, he went from pissed and lecturing to quiet and smirking in 30 seconds flat, leaving me standing there, blowing a fuse and looking like a total fuck-up.
I hate it when he does that... goes all 'understanding' on me, like I'm some fucking lab animal who just pushed the right button and didn't get his cheese.
I'm sitting here on my bed still fuming and I know my face is beet red. I just wish I knew why I'm behaving this way.
Date 7th April
Nothing much on at work so Simon told me to take a day and go somewhere peaceful to calm down. So here I am sitting, watching the boats on the harbor and writing in this dumb diary.
Sandburg is working at the U all day, but I told him that I'd pick him up at 3pm. He just smiled and said 'Okay Jim, thanks' in that 'I'll humor him' voice of his.
Uh... he also said 'We need to talk tonight, Jim. And I mean talk, not shout.'
I'm a grown man, why does that thought scare me so much? Why does my *partner* scare me so much?
And why do I feel so crazy when someone makes a play for him? Maybe it's some weird Sentinel thing?
A genetic need to protect him? I just feel so damned confused.
Same date. 11.50pm
Okay we talked. No, make that Sandburg talked, I listened and nodded and made all the right noises.
I won't pretend that I *liked* what he had to say, but I listened. He has some whacked out theory about the sentinel/guide 'bond' being so strong that it makes me behave like a 'jealous lover'.
I snorted at this point.
He went on in his own 'patient as hell you *will* goddamned listen' way to explain that it has to do with adrenaline rushes, hormonal effects and territorial imperative.
I argued that just because I get pissed seeing my best friend getting touched up by some slimy, squint eyed, no necked, skinny-assed creep, doesn't mean I'm acting like a jealous lover, just a concerned friend.
Sandburg gave me the 'understanding' look, and just smiled before mumbling 'I rest my case'.
I hate him sometimes.
No I don't, I love the guy.
Date 8th April
My boss told me today that I'm behaving like a jerk. The guy from Accounts' boss told me I had a 'problem' (yeah and we all know what *that* is) and some woman who just got dragged in for soliciting called me a 'fucking Neanderthal' as I strolled through the lobby.
I've had better days.
Sandburg thought it was all mildly amusing and just made those soft 'cooing' noises that he does when he thinks I need to calm down and damn him to hell if it doesn't work.
I hate my life.
Same date: almost midnight.
I'm lying here, writing in this dumb fucking diary and listening to Blair downstairs still working. I want to say something, but I'm not sure what. I want to put something right, but I'm not even sure that there's anything *wrong*.
Oh God... I need him.
Date 9th April
Back in court again all day. Please place the bullet *squarely* between the eyes. At least Sandburg was with me and we sat and played 'hangman' while we were waiting for me to testify. <grin>
Date 10th April
Routine questioning of a suspect today and I tested the 'new, improved' Jim Ellison, who was patient, controlled and smiled a lot. Scared the shit outta the little creep, he confessed before I had time to take my jacket off.
Wasn't until Sandburg mentioned the fact that I arrested him six months ago and threatened to throw him over the edge of a six-story building. *And* that the guy probably thinks I'm smiling and calm because I've 'finally gone like *totally* psycho' (Sandburg's words, not mine) that I decided I could really get used to the 'new' Jim Ellison.
Wonder if Blair likes him better or worse than the old one?
Date 11th April.
I met that squinty little shit from accounts on my way to records and I smiled at him. Hey, I've seen men faint before, but man, he dropped like *stone*.
Sandburg made me swear that I never touched him, but I was ahead of that, I had *witnesses*.
Some of us just *got* it.<snigger>
Date 12th April
I have today off and I'm sitting here thinking the unthinkable. I was considering, well... I was kinda tossing the idea around... of maybe, possibly... asking Sandburg out... on a date.
Shit... there, I said it. Well, okay, I wrote it, but at least I thought it out loud.
He'd laugh, right?
He was so totally at ease with that jerk asking him out on a date that it's obvious the thought of dating men doesn't bother him and I'm... I'm just a man, right? No, I'm his best friend and his thesis subject and... everything.
No, you're right, that's a bad idea, Ellison.
Same date: later
Sandburg came home early and we talked. *No* I didn't ask him out. We just talked about stuff and work and he asked me what was wrong with our relationship all of a sudden. I choked on my coffee and he had to beat me on the back to get me breathing... and when he touched me, held me as I was spluttering and *dying*, all I could think of was how incredible it felt to be touched by him.
Thank God *I'm* the Sentinel.
But, I still couldn't tell him how I felt.
I'm a jerk.
Date: 13th April
I'm going to do it, I'm going to ask him out. TONIGHT!
Date 14th April
Okay, so I didn't do it. I just mumbled and grunted and made a fool of myself and he just smiled like he knew *exactly* what I was saying but decided to let me squirm.
Oh yeah... he said that the guy from Accounts had a nice smile.
Not for long!
Date 15th April
Still road-testing the 'new Ellison'. Rhonda asked me if I had toothache and Simon suggested I get drug tested.
Never mind, Sandburg's pretty impressed with the new cool, calm me. That's what counts.
Oh, I swore at a cab driver, but they don't count.
Date 16th April
I'm gonna do it tonight. I'm going to ask my best friend out on a date.
Date 16th April
I didn't do it. Got called in on a stakeout, spent all night with Rafe and Brown in some rat infested motel room.
If I *had* to spend time in a seedy motel room with another guy, it would most *definitely* have to be Sandburg.
But... not on a stakeout.
Date 17th April
Tonight, definitely tonight. I have the evening booked off for sure (family emergency) and I made sure that Sandburg wasn't working or going out on a date. I told him that I wanted to cook something and needed his opinion. Always the catcher that!
Same date: later
I DID IT... I ASKED HIM! Then he threw me a loop by calmly saying 'Sure Jim, where do you want to go?'
Sandburg's always been one for the tough questions.
Fuck. I can't sleep. I can't believe I asked him. Now what? What if I screw it up? What if I ruin the best friendship I ever had? What if he's repulsed by my body? What if I'm repulsed by his? Okay, that last question isn't really an option since a glimpse of his chest hair has been giving me a boner for over four years now.
Come on Ellison, be a man. This guy's already your best friend, how difficult can it be?
Date 18th April
We decided to go out to dinner tomorrow night then maybe a movie. Sandburg reminded me that it's something we've done a thousand times before. He said all this while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag
Date 19th April
I have emptied my goddamned wardrobe *three* time and can't find a decent shirt to wear. And these shoes? These are jerk shoes.
Sandburg's already washed up and done and reading the newspaper, I hate it that he's so calm.
Date 20th April (just about)
Just got in and we had a really good time. But, when we got to the door just... Sandburg asked me if he could kiss me goodnight. Wow. It seemed really dumb, since we live in the same place, but it sent shivers up and down my spine and my heads still spinning. I'm sitting on the bed... alone... and I'm shaking.
I love him.
Date 21st April
Last day of my 'enforced' diary labor. I found out about the 'aftershave incident', one of the faculty staff was having a bachelor party and they sprayed him with aftershave, which went all over Blair!
Blair says he never sleeps with anyone he really cares about on the first date.
Tonight is our *second* date.