Title: Dudes In Space

Author: K9

Fandom: Red Dwarf x The Authority (comic fandom)

Pairings: Apollo/Midnighter, Lister/The Doctor, Jack Hawksmoor/Rimmer implied<g> Cat/Shen, Angie/Bob The Scutter

Notes: The Authority, though printed in the U.S is what I consider a 'Brit' invention, since it was conceived by the wonderful Warren Ellis and drawn by the delicious Hitch and Neary. I won't comment on what happened when the new team of Millar and Quitely took over....except to say BLECH!

So this fits the Britslash 'Red Nose' challenge, which required that the words 'red nose' must appear somewhere in the story.

This is unbeta-ed 'quick fic' and the only positive thing I can say about it is, it earned the wonderful 'Comic Relief' a little gelt!



Dudes In Space

By K9


The Carrier's vast corridors stretched on for what felt like an eternity. The sheer majesty of the ship was still a source of wonder for everyone, even those who now called her 'home'.

The Midnighter and Apollo stood, and watched, as the elegant ship orbited Earth; a sight still as beautiful to them now as the first time they saw it from space.

Midnighter slid his leather-clad arm around his partner's waist, and quietly kissed his cheek. "You know Apollo, I'll be really glad when we get these new refugees back to their own ship, they're weirding me out big time," he sighed.

Stifling a laugh, Apollo returned the friendly kiss, "Oh come on, Mid, there are only four of them. On a ship this big, we never need to see them."

"Hellooo!" a strange voice echoed suddenly, "Yoo hoo, Mr Midnighter, sir?"

Both men turned to see the strangely shaped mechanoid stride jerkily down the corridor towards them.

"I'm so sorry to disturb you, sirs, but have either of you seen my penis?"

Midnighter's jaw visibly dropped, and Apollo shrugged helplessly, unable to think of a suitable reply.

"Your what?" The Midnighter growled at last.

"My penis, Archie. He seems to have given me the slip again. I was just cleaning him, and he went off like a hare at a greyhound track!" Kryten smiled his strange mechanoid smile. Suddenly he placed his hand on Apollo's arm, and winked, "I'm sure you understand, Mr Apollo, sir. We men have these little problems."

"Oh yeah, happens to me all the time," Apollo smiled weakly.

"Why isn't it...erm...'connected' to you...permanently?" Midnighter asked at last, unable to rein in his curiosity any longer.

Clearly taken aback and looking slightly bemused, Kryten attempted another sympathetic smile, "Well, that's a bit of a barmy notion, if you don't mind me saying so, sir? Archie is hard enough to control as it is. He's up and away at a moments notice. I never know when he's going to power up, and scuttle away, looking for trouble wherever he goes. Why on *earth* would anyone want to be attached to that?"

Apollo clapped his hand on Kryten's shoulder and grinned, "Why indeed!" he assured the baffled mechanoid, while Midnighter shook his head ruefully. "We'll keep a look out for him."

"Hey!" a woman's voice echoed down the corridor, "Metal head!"

Kryten looked up and smiled again, "Yes, Ma'am?"

"Get this coke can off me, or it's toast!" Angie growled, as Bob the Scutter humped her leg urgently.

"Oh but Miss Angie, ma'am, he's just being friendly," Kryten moved in close to whisper, "I think he's got a crush on you!"

"It's a fuckin' machine!" Angie roared, "It doesn't have *feelings*!"

Apollo coughed, The Midnighter smirked, and Kryten merely winked theatrically.



Lister lay back on the bed, pulling hard on the slender joint before sighing contentedly.

"Hey, this is really great stuff, man. 'Specially since I've been smokin' me own socks to get high, for the past year!"

The Doctor grinned, "Yeah, I gotta say, it's been a real trip havin' you here. These guys are pretty cool crime fighters but they jus' don't know how to party!" he slurred.

"Try three million years with Rimmer, if you want to know the 'real' meaning of 'boring,'" Lister chuckled.

The Doctor leaned across the bed and stroked Lister's ass lovingly, "Man, you're a really good fuck too," he sighed, "I'm gonna miss you when you're gone!"



"I say, Captain, General, Hawksmoor, Sir?" Rimmer's nostrils flared and he adopted his usual servile crouch, almost without realising it.

"It's just *Jack*," Jack Hawksmoor hissed between gritted teeth.

"Of course *Jack*," Rimmer grovelled.

"What do you want Mr Rimmer?" Jack took a deep breath and reminded himself that these people were guests, and dismemberment wasn't an option. Despite the fact that Angie was being stalked by a pair of pliers on wheels, The Midnighter and Apollo were wandering through the carrier calling 'Archie' and when questioned explained that they were looking for a renegade penis, and no one had seen The Doctor for several days, but there was a lot of grunting noise, and a funny smells coming from his quarters. Oh and Shen? Last time someone heard from her, she just said 'I Taw I Taw a puddycat...Oh..I *did*!!!" and squealed.

His crew had gone insane and these guys had only been aboard for four days. What was really scaring him, however, was that the Carrier had started to greet Angie with the words 'What's happenin', dudes?'

"I was just wondering, Jack, if you have a position free on board that might suit *my* talents? I mean, I'm so wasted on board Red Dwarf with those beatniks!"

"Well," Jack thought for a moment, "Apollo is the sun god, he can change the suns rays into energy; he can fly and at full power is probably damn near unstoppable. Midnighter has an endoskeleton and musculature that's toughened to withstand tremendous pressure, he's our 'Night's Bringer of War'. Angie has the ability to 'become' machinery through the nannites in her blood, and combine with the ship; she's The Engineer. The Doctor is the universal Shaman. Shen can fly and I can talk to buildings, what can *you* do Mr Rimmer?"

"Erm.....well, I'm pretty damned hot with blocked chicken soup nozzles?"


Nights aboard the Carrier could so easily blend into day, but Apollo and The Midnighter always tried to keep their 'nights' special, a time to be together, to enjoy the warmth of each others bodies, and try to forget what, and who they were, even for just a few hours. Wanting to be just two normal guys who loved each other.

Apollo felt Midnighter turn over, and spoon in behind him; a casual arm slung around his waist. The so rarely unmasked face snuggled in between his shoulder blades. All of this was punctuated with a slow, leisurely snore.

No matter what happened to them in this insane world, Apollo knew he could handle it, as long as Mid was there by his side.

Suddenly, a familiar hardness pressed against him. He smiled wickedly; even in his sleep the guy was a horny old dog!

Shifting his position slightly, Apollo sighed as he felt the heavy erection begin to push against his ass, until eventually it slipped inside of him. Gasping at the coolness, he bit his lip....Mid was using that damned 'CoolGel' again, shit it made him shudder, but it felt *incredible*.

"You're a cruel bastard," he whispered, "But don't stop..."

The Midnighter merely grunted and tightened his grip on Apollo's waist.

A steady rhythm began to build, and Apollo allowed himself to relax into the sensation. A long, slow fuck was just what he needed right now

Suddenly, Midnighter began to move. Withdrawing his arm sleepily, he rolled over and got out of the bed.

"I knew I shouldn't have had those six beer," he muttered, "I gotta piss, *bad*."

It took a few moment before Apollo registered the fact that he could still feel Mid inside of him...he could still feel....

The girly scream that echoed the Carriers corridors was barely recognisable as the legendary Apollo; sun god, and kick ass member of The Authority.



They were rare moments, when Jack Hawksmoor longed for the tortuous alien spaceships that had haunted him since childhood, to come get him...but this was one of them.

Arnold J. Rimmer was sending him crazy. When Jack had opened his eyes that morning, Rimmer had been standing over him, offering to help him dress. Hell, he'd even offered to shower with him, and scrub his back! The guy was a serious schmuck, and he suddenly felt a twinge of sympathy with the other weirdo's aboard Red Dwarf. If they'd been stuck with him all these years, and still stayed as sane as they were, they were better men than he was.

If you could call *that* sane.

Entering the control room, Jack noticed a very harassed Angie already hooked up to the Carrier.

"Look, I just need to know if we can enter the bleed, that's all!" she sighed, "If we need to get through to the alternate universes in a hurry, can it be done?"

"Well," the ship mumbled....it suddenly had a voice. "That sort of thing takes calculations, ya know. You sure you don't want to ask the toaster?"

"No, I'm asking *you*," Angie rubbed her temples wearily.

"Oh, righty ho. Just gimme a few minutes, dudes."

Jack shook his head; this was insane, his ship and crew were falling apart because of a space beatnik, a hologram, a man evolved from cats and a demented mechanoid with a roving penis.

They *had* to go.

Hearing a commotion in the corridor, Jack decided he should investigate.

"Just don't touch me!" Midnighter raged. He stormed along the corridor and past Jack like a hurricane sweeping through a small town, hurling objects out of his way as he went.

"Mid, *please*, I'm sorry, okay?" Apollo pleaded.

"Fuck you!" Midnighter snarled.

"Mid, it wasn't my fault, I thought it was you!"

"It was a fucking *metal* dildo, thanks *so* much!"

Jack watched open mouthed, "What..?"

The Midnighter grabbed Jack by the shirt and moved in close, "Do *not* fucking ask, Hawksmoor, okay?" he snarled.

Holding up his hands in surrender, Jack shrugged, "You got it."

"Mid, please, let's talk..." Apollo grabbed Midnighters arm.

Ignoring his lover's pleas, Midnighter continued to glare at Jack. "I'm going to check out astrophysics, the dumb blonde here, is going to be someplace else, if he knows what's good for him. That clear?"

"Crystal," Jack smiled weakly.

Midnighter strode angrily from the main deck, with his errant mate tagging along behind, begging forgiveness for...well...something. He shoved two lurching figures out of the way, leaving them both slumped against the Carrier's hull, giggling and groping each other openly.

"Well, Doctor, nice of you to join us. And, Mr Lister, right?" Jack sighed.

Extricating his tongue from Lister's tonsils, The Doctor smiled woozily, "Hey man, how's it going?" he snorted.

"Are you high again?"

"Yeah," The Doctor looked at Lister, and they both began to giggle. "We been sniffin' some weird shit for the past day, and I only just found out that it was Dave's underwear!" he hiccupped, "Radical, man!"

Jack frowned, "So that's why you both have red noses?"


Kryten walked jerkily down the corridor, until he found the room marked 'Shen's Nest.' Gingerly, he trapped the box he was carrying under his arm; it moved violently from side to side, until he thumped on the lid.

"Now you just behave, Archie! You've managed to get me in enough trouble with your erratic behaviour, already. If you continue with this anti-social attitude, I'll just have to restrain you." He shook his head, "Mr Midnighter is *very* cross with you. And as for Mr Apollo.." the box began to leap around in frustrated joy. "Absolutely not! That's not why I made you! It's very rude to creep up on gentlemen that way." With a look of mild disgust, Kryten tapped politely on the door.

"What?" an angry female voice snapped.

"Erm, excuse me, Ma'am, is the Cat there with you?"

"Why?" Shen snarled.

"We're almost ready to leave."

Suddenly the door opened and a semi-naked Cat peered out, a feather poking out of his teeth, "What, already?"

"I'm afraid so, Sir."

"Just gimme a minute," Cat smirked, "Hey, make that thirty minutes, I'll try to be quick!" he leered before being dragged back into the room.



There was a feeling of intense relief as Jack watched the Red Dwarf sail out into space and hopefully back to their own time. The Carrier had reluctantly helped The Engineer repair the Holly Hop drive, which should eventually get the ship three million years into the future, and that damned crew out of Jack's hair for good.

Apollo and Midnighter were still fighting, The Doctor was still stoned, Shen was collapsed in her room; exhaustion from the look of things, and Angie was swearing almost constantly because the ship was 'in love' with Holly and didn't want him to leave.

Suddenly, the Red Dwarf began to shudder and stopped...damn the Carrier, it had sabotaged the repair.

Visions of Arnold Rimmer in his bedroom again, naked, and offering himself as a love slave, rather than return to Red Dwarf, made Jack shudder.

"Angie," he yelled, "Get us out of here....*fast*!"

The End