Earth Angel By K9
Hi, I'm Blair Sandburg and I'm an angel. Yeah, yeah, I know, it sounds like the start of an AA meeting. But I just like to get these little details out of the way up front. Anyway, I think before we get started on this little tale, I should explain how I got to my present state.
It all started in eighteen fifty-two, when I ran away from home to join the circus. My mother had just remarried and her new husband wasn't prepared to take on another man's child to feed and clothe, so despite my mother's protestations, I left.
After wandering for a while, I hooked up with the circus. I tried most things - trapeze - shit, no way. I get really freaked by heights. Lion tamer - Are you kidding? I'm only a little guy, I wouldn't even have made them a decent hors d'oeuvre! Eventually, I decided that the safest option was to become a clown. 'The Joyful Pepito' they called me, yeah, I know…what a crap name. But, it put food in my belly and a roof over my head and Blair Sandburg was a happy guy.
One day, I was wandering through the animal enclosure, on my way to visit Emmanuella, the new contortionist. Man, don't ask...what that woman could do with her body, wow! Anyway, as I was saying, I was on my way to give Emmanuella her...English lessons, when I spotted something silver shining in the mud behind the elephant enclosure. On closer inspection, I discovered that it was a silver dollar. Well, like I was going to walk on past and not pick it up? So, I dug my fingers into the mud and just as the coin flipped out into my hand, I heard a strange noise above me. Bimbo, one of the male elephants had gone nuts and charged through the back of the enclosure. I seem to remember the last thought I had was 'Man, elephants are well hung'...lights out. He ran over me without even noticing I was there.
Goodbye Earth...Hello Heaven.
You know how you kind of expect Heaven to be all ethereal and peaceful? Well, it's not. It's like the Trump tower but with class.
Peter showed me into the waiting room and told me he'd go see if 'the Big Guy' was ready to see me. I have to admit that I was a little puzzled and it has to be said, ever so slightly pissed. Hey, if you'd just been squashed to death by an elephant, you'd be pissed too.
When they called me into the office, I was a little taken aback to discover that there sat a grey haired guy in a suit. Yeah, a suit.
"Blair, my boy. Sit down," he smiled.
Nervously, I slid into the seat opposite him. Between us lay a pretty impressive desk. Ominously, to his left was an 'out' tray. I guess that's for the people who go to the 'other' place.
"Blair, I've studied your case and I must say that it's one of the...most unusual ways to shuffle off your mortal coil that I've come across in years," I'm sure at this point he brushed away a tear of mirth from his eye. "It was never meant to happen that way, I had you down for seventy years and death in bed with your next door neighbors wife."
"What, heart attack?" I asked with enthusiasm.
"No, son. An axe," he grinned, "But, since the other fella stepped in and ended your life prematurely, I have no choice but to try to make amends the only way I can."
My blood ran cold, "The 'other fella'?" I asked pointing downwards.
"Yes, he has an unusual sense of humor, doesn't he," the Big Guy smiled, "Blair, I can't give you back your own mortal life, but I can give you the next best thing. I can make you an angel."
"An angel? Me?" I gasped. Trust me, I am *so* not angel material.
"Yes. You will be sent to Earth on assignments, where you will correct 'mistakes' in peoples' lives and then quietly slip from their existence. How does that sound?"
I thought for a moment, "Quietly?" I said with trepidation. You see, I've always had this problem with 'quiet'.
The Big Guy laughed, "Yes, Blair. Don't worry, you'll go through a period of training before we send you out. I have great faith in you, my boy. You have a special soul."
So basically, that's how it happened. I have to admit, that at first I was a little unhappy about the fact that my 'reward' for being 'pachydermised' was to get to work for a living for the rest of eternity. Talk about death sucks! But, I wasn't about to complain. Man, I'd seen the 'out tray' and heard about 'the other place'. That was where they sent everyone who pissed the Big Guy off, like mass murderers, tax inspectors and game show hosts. I wasn't risking that, so I went through the training and qualified with flying colors.
Over the years I've had some really interesting jobs. I got to teach a dyslexic kid to read and he went on to become a doctor. The same doctor who found the cure to a deadly disease that had wiped out half of Europe. I also got to convince a young guy to follow his heart into acting. He went on to lead a nation.
Hey, man. I can't be held responsible for everything they do!
Cutting to the chase, I have a new assignment. The guy's name is James Ellison. He's a police officer and ex-ranger. A real hard-ass from all accounts, but, hey...I'm a professional, give me a month, he'll be voted in as 'man of the year' and will have taken up kissing babies and petting puppies.
I have to admit our first encounter did not go well. Okay, I know I wandered in on him as he was dressing at the hospital and I have to say that I was pretty damned impressed with what I saw. When we eventually met in my 'office' at the university he threw me up a wall and threatened to arrest me. Not the most auspicious of beginnings and maybe he wasn't going to be *quite* as easy as I thought, but do not fear, Sandburg's never give up!
I arranged for one of our stunt angels to almost run him down with a garbage truck so that I, the hero of the hour could save him, and thereby insinuate myself into his cold little world. Ellison was never in any real danger, Guido, our stunt angel, is the best in the business. Well, he was until the 'accident', but hey, everyone's allowed one really *big* mistake, right?
So, it came to pass that Jim Ellison and I hooked up. He's a real enigma you know. You'd be amazed at the things we've been through, yet he can still remain so cold and unapproachable at times, even to me.
Anyway, this story is about my mission to melt the frozen heart of Jim Ellison, hopefully without giving you all a serious sugar rush at the same time!
That old warehouse was a seriously scary place, even for an angel. I'd arranged for Butch and Sundance, a couple of our explosive experts, and trust me, Heaven has a *lot* of those, to set the charges to go off after Jim had been there for a while, rendering me homeless and in need of shelter.
To this day, I'm not sure if it was me he took pity on or Larry. He seemed to have a real connection with that ape.
But anyway, after being rendered homeless and giving Jim Ellison the whole Sandburg works, the eyes, the pout...hey, I know my strengths, right? He gave in and I moved my stuff into his home.
Man, what a cold place! Bare floors, bare walls, no wonder this guy was going weird.
"One week, Sandburg, that's what you said, isn't it?" Jim frowned.
"Yeah, man. One week and Larry and I are history, I swear!" I pleaded. I had my fingers crossed, okay?
"Now, don't make a mess…I hate mess. Don't make a noise..I hate noise. Don't wear powerful aftershave..I," Jim was ticking off the rules on his fingers
"You hate smells too, yeah, I got it!" I tried not to smile. I did wonder which he'd run out of first, rules or fingers?
I wandered over and stood in front of him, grabbing him by the throat with my best puppy dog expression, I was a vision of attentiveness.
"And don't flush the toilet after ten p.m.," he said with a scowl.
I couldn't help it, this just made me smile, was this guy for real? "What if I gotta 'go'?" I asked innocently.
Jim shifted from foot to foot uneasily, "Well, just don't flush the damn thing," he grumbled.
"I'd like to refer back to the 'don't like smells' rule," I reminded him.
"Sandburg," he boomed, in his 'remember I'm a big scary cop' voice, "Just do as you're told and we'll get along fine in the *few* days you're going to be here."
I batted my eyes and smiled, "Okay, Jim. Anything you say, man." He gave me that look, the one I've come to know so well, the one that now says 'He gave in waaaay too fast, what's he up to?' but back then, it was just the mildly curious paranoia of a cop.
"I've put your stuff in the spare room and made up the bed," Jim said trying not to stare at me.
Jim Ellison might have Sentinel senses, but I have *angel* senses and one of the benefits of those, is the ability to 'feel' an emotional response in earth-bounds. Right now, Jim Ellison's body was screaming 'I want him' and his emotional aura was battering into me like a sledgehammer. Who am I to ignore matters of the heart? I'm an angel, I'm supposed to spread love, friendship and all that shit. So I moved a little closer, just to see what kind of a response I got.
WOW! Major hormone overload! This guy is so hot he's on fire!
"Thanks Jim," I smiled my sexiest smile.
That did it.
Jim swallowed hard, you could see the sheer effort of remembering to breathe etched on his face. He couldn't find words or possibly even recall how to use them, so he just nodded and hurtled up the open wooden staircase to his bedroom.
Sandburg one, Ellison nil.
End Part 1