Rating: G
Pairings: J/B
Series/Sequel: Companion piece is How 'Bout That: Guide
Warnings: m/m, song lyrics
Archive category: Romance
Disclaimers: All recognizable Sentinel characters are copyright of Pet Fly Productions and Paramount. No infringement intended on my part....just doing some wishful thinking. :-)
The lyrics to "How 'Bout That" are copyright to Bad Company and their record label.
Author's notes: I was listening to a CD the other day that I hadn't heard in quite awhile, and this song just smacked me upside the head and said, "write a story around it!". So here it is, just a short, quiet, introspective piece.
Many, many thanks to my new beta reader and friend, CJ, who's insight made this story better.
Date completed: September 6, 1999
Summary: While Blair sleeps, Jim takes time to reflect on their love and how it's changed him.
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Last night, when the moon was new
I couldn't sleep, I was thinking of you
And how much I need you
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is my favorite time. When I can't sleep, awake deep in the night with you lying sated and exhausted next to me, and I can just....look at you. Your body covers mine like a living, breathing blanket. Our legs are tangled up together, your arms around my waist, my arms around your shoulders, your head resting gently on my chest, your chestnut curls caressing my bare skin...till I don't know where you begin and I end.
Just like I want it.
Sometimes it scares me how much I need you, how much I love you, how much I want you with me always.
I've always been a loner. But as I watch you sleeping next to me after our lovemaking, I couldn't ever imagine being alone again; and I wonder how I ever made it as far as I did in my life without you at my side. I should have self-destructed long before that day at the hospital. But something kept me going long enough to find you. Or for you to find me, however you want to look at it. Doesn't matter to me. We found each other, and that's what matters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I act like I'm tougher than steel
With a heart like stone
But you know it ain't real
I need you, baby
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It constantly amazes me how fast you pushed past my defenses and took up residence in my heart. And that I let you. No one, I mean no one, has ever gotten this close to me, seen the real me behind the mask I wear. I'd just been hurt too damn many times. Everyone I've ever loved has either left me or betrayed me. I couldn't afford to take another chance. So up went the walls and out came the attitude, designed to keep everyone at bay and protect my heart.
But you...you took one look at me and I swear you saw straight to my soul and saw the real me buried deep down, crying out for release. So instead of seeing my hard-ass, throw-you-up-against-the-wall, don't-fuck-with-me attitude as a deterrent, you saw it as a challenge. How fast could you crash through my barriers of pain and sadness and make me see that love doesn't always have to end in disaster?
Faster than the speed of light, it turned out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People used to tell you I'm a crazy fool
But you taught me more than I could learn in school
I really need you, baby
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know you've heard stories about me from Simon and the others about how I was this crazy, angry, pissed off at the world guy who didn't care if he lived or died. And then my abilities resurfaced and it only got worse, till even I thought I was crazy.
But then you came along and started teaching me. Teaching me that I wasn't some sort of freak. Teaching me to not only control my senses but make them stronger and better. Teaching me that my abilities are a part of who I am, to accept them as a gift and not a burden. Teaching me to trust. Teaching me to love.
You've been my Guide in so many things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If ever you need time and space
Don't run away, just tell me face to face
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've been through so much together in these last four years. And not all of it good. You walked into my world of guns, blood and violence as a naive grad student and it's changed you so much. I miss your bounce, your enthusiasm, your never ending supply of energy. You're more muted now, toned down, serious. You're becoming me...and that worries me.
You've gotten more than you bargained for in this partnership, and I wonder how much more you can take before you reach your breaking point.
I know you value your freedom and there are times I feel like I've trapped you in my life, not letting you live your own, because I need you and your knowledge to guide me as a Sentinel. I take and take...but do I ever give?
I need to let you know that when it gets to be too much you can say the word and just go. I won't hold you back. But I'll always be here. Waiting for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I think back, how it used to be
Before we met, it's just a mystery
I can't live without you, no
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't believe how having you in my life has changed me. For the better. Five years ago I was an arrogant, closed off bastard with a chip on my shoulder the size of a two by four. Then you burst into my life like a tornado and the next thing I know, you've turned my life upside down and I've done a complete 360 degree turnaround. I smile. I laugh. I think before I do things. I'm more relaxed, not so quick to anger. And I know everyone else has noticed, too. Especially Simon. Even though he'd never admit it, he knows you're responsible.
I cringe when I think about the person I used to be before we met, and I don't ever want to be that person again. And it scares me to think that I could have stayed like that for the rest of my life if you hadn't of come along.
Thank you, Chief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've got my heart
And you got my soul
You've got my whole life under control
Looks like we made it
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You own me, heart and soul. I know you know that, but you've never abused your power over me. You've just gently pushed and prodded me, made me listen until I really understood what you were telling me, and realized that I could put my faith and trust in you not to steer me wrong. You're in control of this relationship and my life. And that's the way I want it. I know what I was like before, always wanting to be in control, be top dog. And look what it got me. A very lonely existence. But under your touch I've flourished.
The missing piece in my life was you. You truly have made me a whole person.
There's no doubt that the road we've traveled to get to where we are today has been more than rough. But we made it. Side by side. Because you never gave up fighting for this relationship and you wouldn't let me, either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I see your face
It lightens up the whole damn place
I wanna see this whole thing through
There's nothing I won't do for you
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The word "commitment" never used to be in my vocabulary. Even you said it yourself, that you'd never seen me date someone more than once. And just look what happened with me and Carolyn. But when you look at me with love written so plainly in those blue eyes and in that blinding smile you save just for me, I know this is it. This is what I've been waiting for. For the first time in my life, I want to stay with someone forever.
And there is nothing I won't do to protect you and what we've created. I want to spend my life with you, but I would go to my death in an instant if it meant keeping you safe. You called me your Blessed Protector in jest, but I am deadly serious in my duty. For you and no one else would I willingly lay down my life.
That's how much I love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night, when the moon was new
I couldn't sleep, I was there, looking at you
I'm glad that I found you
How 'bout that
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've no idea what the future holds. But I know that no matter what happens, I want us to face it together. I never realized the truth in the adage "united we stand, divided we fall" until you became my partner. In all things. We truly are strongest when we're together. I know, because I've driven you away before and it all fell apart. But we found our way back to each other and I will never let go again. How could I? You hold my heart in your hands. No, this is forever.
I love you, Blair.
You shift a little in your sleep, pressing more firmly against me. I bend my head and capture your lips in a soft kiss. You blink sleepily for a moment before those blue eyes focus on my face. And there...there's that smile that makes my breath catch in my throat.
Your voice is deep and husky with sleep when you speak.
"I love you, you know."
I smile, pulling you close, and whisper, "Hmm, how 'bout that."
*********
THE END
Thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated. :-)
Barbara Nice-Miller
AgtSpooky@aol.com