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This is my home now. All mine. He thinks it belongs to him. Wrong! I own every inch of it.
I own him. Thank-God he can't resist the curls, or the puppy-dog eyes. I've been bounced around from place to place, never had a real home, always getting lost, got blown out of the last place I lived. People always trying to "own" me, change me...Until now. Now I've staked my claim, marked my territory. Mine. I'm petted, cosseted, every need attended to and all I have to do is give one look. I have him well trained. Of course this home is not without it's problems. The big guy won't let me sit on his lap. And God, I could cuddle there all day. Oh, I can sit next to him, all cuddled up, lie next to him, but on his lap? Off limits. Totally. Like, what's wrong with lapsitting? What's his problem? I'm small, I'm cuddly, I'm warm and I'm a perfect fit! Oh, well, his loss. This home has plenty of cuddle spots. The couches, the chair, the beds....ok, the big bed is the best, without a doubt....and I have finally made it to Mt. Everest! Oh yeah, but it took me three days! Three days of concentrated effort. Three days of sad looks, pacing, whimpering, driving him crazy. Until he asked, "What's wrong imp? Come on, tell me?" But I just paced more, flipped my curls, batted my eyelashes, whimpered softly. Then licked him. Cheek, eyes, neck, lips, ears. Three days and he finally got the message. Caved. Totally. Now the big bed is mine too! And did I mention the cat? A big black cat. Always following him, tail twitching. Watching me, licking its lips. Think I don't know what you want, cat? Me. For dessert. That's what. But you know, it doesn't matter, you know better. He loves "me". Won't admit it. But he does.
There is one weird thing tho'. I'm supposed to be the one to hear things in the night. I'm supposed to do the warning. And I'm good at it. The best. But damn! The big guy is "better". He "always" hears stuff before I do! It's weird. And he can smell better too! When my favorite one comes home? The big guy always "knows" before I do! How does he do it? How can he smell my favorite one first? It drives me crazy! I'll be like, lying, basking really, in a small patch of sun and the big guy will say, "He's home, Lucy!" HE'S HOME LUCY! That's my job! How does he do that? I'm supposed to hear him, that's my job! I'm supposed to let him know by running back and forth and yipping. It's what I do. But noooo....he beats me do it. Every time! But that's okay. You want to know why? Because when my favorite one does come home? He kisses "me"! That's right, me! He comes home, drops the thing called a book bag and opens his arms and I take a running start and leap right in. And he catches me. Every time! It's amazing. Really. Then I cover his face with kisses. I wiggle. He tickles. Then he lets me down and I go get poohbear, grab him in my mouth, race back to my favorite one and drop poohbear at his feet. And he knows exactly what to do....throw it. Now in my opinion this is a simple human pet trick, but not to him....to him it's a miracle and he praises me and calls me beautiful and good and.....I can't help myself, I just have to roll over and give him my stomach. And the big guy? He just sits and smiles. And you know what? I think he wishes he could kiss my favorite one. Yeah, I do. And I'll tell you, it would make my life a whole lot easier.
Remember the big bed? Well, I love it, but I love sleeping with my favorite one (He is the only human who rubs my tummy in his sleep!) So all night I go back and forth, back and forth. Now if they would just sleep together, in the big bed....I could actually get some sleep. They already do "everything" else together. Go to work together, go to movies, out to eat, they sit on the couch together, watching the box..I mean how hard would it be to also go to bed together? I mean, have a little consideration for the poodle, you know? Want to know something? I think they *want* to sleep in the same bed. Yeah, I do. I "know" my favorite one covets the big bed. Just the other night, when I joined him and gave him the "shiv paw" (a little trick to get him to let me in under the covers) he woke up and coo'd," Oh, you sweetie, you left the big bed for me? What I wouldn't give if we could both sleep up there. Right, Lucy? Snuggle up to Jim, just him and me....." I promptly gave him the sharp shiv paw, "Oh, sorry....You, me and Jim." Oh, yeah, my favorite one definitely covets the big bed. And the big guy definitely covets our favorite one. Wanna know how I know? Cuz, that same night, when I went back up? He was awake and I tried to cuddle and he petted me and said, "You smell just like Blair. And dog. But mostly like Blair." And he hugged me! And sniffed. A lot. Oh, yeah, he covets our favorite one alright. If I'm going to get any sleep at all, I have to get them in the big bed. And I know just how to do it.
NEXT NIGHT:
See? There they are. Sitting together. On the couch, watching the box. The big guy is tired and I think, mad. They went to work together and came home early. I was ecstatic. I did every cute poodle trick in the book. I chased my tail, I threw poohbear up in the air and caught it, I ran into every room, grabbed one object and dropped it at their feet, I danced on my hind legs, I even danced in circles! And woo-woo'd! But no praise! Finally my favorite one picked me up and said, "Shush, Lucy, Jim doesn't feel well." And the big guy said, " And whose fault is that, Sandburg?" Well, favorite one sat me down, and I sat between them, looking up, head cocked, while they argued. "Jim, it wasn't my fault the cell phone was dead. What was I supposed to do? You needed back-up, I couldn't get any back-up so that made me your back-up. Which is how it should be anyway!" "Sandburg, if his gun hadn't jammed.......". "But it did, I hit him and you're alive, I'm alive and the bad guys are in jail. Now live with it, Jim. I'm taking a shower." And my favorite one huffed and muttered his way to the shower room..I really should find a way to tell him about the big guys hearing....he could hear every mutter....Then the big guy picked me up, cuddled and whispered into my ear, "We almost lost him today, Lucy." I don't know what that meant, but I did not like it. Not one bit. So now they sit, not talking, just watching the box. But see that bowl between them? Popcorn. One of our favorite foods. See how close they have to be to each other to get the popcorn? And when they reach for the popcorn? Almost touching? Now what if I were there instead of the popcorn? Just soft, sweet me? Giving each of them the shiv paw? So they'd pet me? Wouldn't their hands touch? Accidently? Wouldn't the big guy start to *pet* our favorite one? You betcha!
LATER: It worked! It was hard. I had to be sooooo cute. Here's what I did:
They were watching, reaching so I pranced over and sat in front of the couch, in front of the bowl. I whimpered first. I rolled. I scratched both their legs. I even woo-woo'd again. Then more rolls, more scratching. My favorite one figured it out first. He moved the popcorn and patted the couch. I jumped! Yipee! Then I circled exactly three times to my left, then three times to my right, then curled up and pretended to sleep. First the big guy reached over and scratched behind my left ear. Then our favorite one scratched behind my right ear. Then the big guy petted my head. And favorite one did the same. Then our favorite one scratched my ear again and it happened! The big guy dropped his hand on my head. But favorite one's hand was already there! YESSSS! He stroked it. Then he took it. Then he kissed it. And now? They're licking! Oh, the sacrifices I make! I could be doing the licking! But hey, if it gets us all into the big bed? WHOA! The big guy just took our favorite one onto his lap! Wait....Wait...He's allowed on his lap? I should go on strike! This is so unfair! What's that? Upstairs? Yesyesyes.....Woo-Woo! They're going...I'm following....I'm jumping...We made it!
Hey! OUCH! Watch the tail! Hey, what's going on? You guys want to wrestle now? What about sleep? Curling up? Petting my stomach? NOT HIS STOMACH, MY STOMACH! Hey, this is getting rough, I'm being bounced here. God, they're both growling! Wait! The big guy just pulled our favorite one on top of him! Hey! What about me? ARGGH, ARGGH! I'm on the floor! They're rolling around up there, moaning, licking, petting and I'm on the floor!
Who just laughed? Oh, no, not you. The cat. In the corner. Laughing at me! God, it's tough being a poodle. Wait....what's that? Oh. My. God. Will you look at that. A wolf. In my house. Oh, come to mama, you big, beautiful, hunk of caninie stud! Yes, yes, he's walking towards me, looking totally lecherous....Oh, my. Somebody fan me quick. And those blue eyes! God, I've died and gone to wolf heaven. Hey! Where you going? Don't walk past me! The poodle of your dreams is standing right in front of you! No.no.no. Not the cat. You silly wolf. You're a canine. C*A*N*I*N*E. He's a feline. F*E*L*I*N*E. Oh, shit. Life is so unfair. The big guy gets our favorite one, the cat gets the wolf. And I get the floor. Somedays it just doesn't pay to be a darling poodle. Oh, well, tomorrow is another day.
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