Twinkies and Thou


by alyjude


"I do not believe this."



(accompanied by a broad wave of the guides hand)

"Oh. This."

"How could Morris sneak up on you?"

"Don't know."

(accompanied by a shrug of broad Sentinel shoulders)

"Jim. (voice is patient, as if dealing with a five year old) You're a Sentinel. You should have heard him.....or, or....smelled him, or....something."

"Well pardon me all to hell, Sandburg."

"Why didn't you? Hear him, or smell him, or something?"

"Guess my mind was elsewhere."


"Don't yell and just....elsewhere."



(silence falls)

"You're just standing there, Jim. You're not doing anything."

"So are you....and neither are you."

"Jim? It's pitch black in here....I can't see in the dark? He-lloooo? Comprende?"

"There's no way out, Chief. Comprende?"


(Long silence with much shuffling of feet by short guide)

"Um, Jim?"


"Is there a place to sit down?"

(Sentinel hand grabs Guide arm)

"Boxes. Over here."


(Creaking boxes as one large Sentinel and one short Guide sit down)

'I'll assume that breaking down the door is out?"

"Yep. Fire door."


"No go. Fire - Door."


(Lengthy pause punctuated by squirming short Guide)


"Yeah, Jim?"

"S t o p - m o v i n g."

"Jeesh, I'm just trying to get....ARGH!"

(Scream is drowned out by the sound of crashing/collapsing boxes/crates)

"Chief? Chief? Blair?"

(Sound of large Sentinel rapidly digging through boxes/crates)


"You okay?"

"ugh - ugh.....wha? happened?"

"You brought down the house, Chief."

"har-har....Oy Ve!"

"I told you to stop moving, didn't I? Didn't I?"

"A - I hate "I told you so's", and B - Meet Jim Ellison, the Sentinel Parrot."

(Sound of large Sentinel hands sliding over material)

"EEP! Jim, what are doing?"

"I'm checking to make sure you're alright."

"Um, there?"

"Everywhere, Chief, crates aren't choosy."


(Voice ever so slightly high pitched)

"Yep. No broken bones. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Jim? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"One.....oh. forgot. dark."

"Good Sentinel, good Sentinel."

(sound of Guide hand patting the Sentinel shoulder in a very condescending manner)

"That one finger was very rude, Chief."


"It's not my fault you wiggled those boxes down."

"Did it occur to you to tell me why I shouldn't move? Like, "Sandburg, stop that wiggling, there are boxes just above your head."?"


(Silence falls again) (Can silence fall?)

(Short Guide starts wiggling - again)

"Sandburg, can't you stay still for two minutes?"

"If I had a watch and could see in the dark, I'd bet I've been still for way over two minutes."

"Three minutes. You've been still for three minutes."

"HA! Told you so."

"So you're allowed to do "I told you so's"?"

"Yes. It's Guide rule number 42 - Not to be confused with Sentinel house rule number 42 which prohibits a long haired, live-in guide from chewing bubble gum in the loft."

"Wrong! Sentinel house rule number 42 prohibits long haired, live-in guides from going to sleep on the couch while chewing bubble gum and getting said gum on said couch, the afghan, said long hair and said Sentinel's hand."

"I never......"


(Thoughtful pause as Guides tries to find a graceful way out of this one)

"Guide rule number 51 - Never dare a Guide to blow a bubble like he did when he was fifteen. And how did the gum get on your hand?"

(Thoughtful pause as Sentinel tries really, really hard to come up with a false but really, really good answer)

"Isn't it obvious?" (When in doubt, punt)


"Well, it should be obvious. Anyone would know...."

"Enlighten me."

"I was obviously trying to get the gum out of your hair before you woke up."

"nuh, uh."

"It's true!"

"ah, uh."


(And once again, silence falls - or whatever)

"Hey! That's an emergency light over there."

"Where? Forget I said that. And isn't it just too coincidental that this is an emergency?"

"You know, for a short guy, you really have a big mouth?"

"I resemble that remark."


(Sound of large Sentinel moving easily toward the far corner. Sound of large Sentinel fiddling)

"Jim, man, what are you doing?"

"If I can get this light to trigger, you'll be able to see."

"Ah, how sweet."

"Sandburg......" (Voice is definitely threatening)

(Loud click) (Room is filled with an eerie and dim red light)

"There! Light!"

"Ugh! This is depressing, turn it off."

"Forget it, Sandburg, this is our humble abode until rescued. And it's not so bad, as cramped, dusty, airless, rat infested, cockroach inhabited, bathed in an eerie but dim red light storage rooms go...."

"No surprise. Big man - big mouth."

(Sound of sniffing)

"What are you doing now?"

"Sniffing. I smell something."

"Rat pheromones?"

"You're a blast a minute, Sandburg. And what I smell, besides food."

"FOOD? Where? Where?"

(Sound of short Guide scrambling to his feet)

"And you smell me?"

"Chief, I'm a Sentinel, I always smell you."

"But you dial down your senses, right? Right?"

"Normally. But even then, I always smell you."

"Shit. You trying to tell me something here? Like the natural stuff isn't working anymore? Like I should change my deodorant?"

"Don't change a thing, Chief."


(Sentinel moves slowly, following the scent, and finally pounces)


"What? What?"

" looks like a box of Twinkies."


(Box is torn from startled Sentinel hands by greedy Guide hands) (Hands, BTW, that are just as strong and masculine as his larger partner - Blair told me to say that)

"You're not going to eat those things, are you? Chief?"


(Box is hungrily torn open)

"Sandburg, there's no telling how long that box has been in here."

"Jim, it's a well known fact that Twinkies have a shelf life of over 100 years. Besides, you'd be able to smell them if they were bad."

(Guide hugs now open box to his chest and slumps back down on the ground)

"Well, I don't smell anything bad...."

"See? Imgh...toldmph so."

(Much lip smacking ensues) (Don't you love that word, Ensues?)

"jim? don'tyoumph, wantmmnsum?"

"No, you need them more than me."

(The only sound is Twinkie wrappers hitting the ground, slurping and disgusting moans of epicurean delight coming from the Guide)

"I can't believe Blair "Mr. Algae Shake" Sandburg is sitting here, eating Twinkies."

"Great memories, man."


(More slurping)

"They do.....smell pretty good."

(Guide hand slyly holds out a twinkie and Sentinel surreptitiously takes it)

"Um, just as good as I remem.....oh. god."

(Sentinel has to stop mid bite and mid sentence as his eyes fasten on his Guides tongue....which is buried deep inside a Twinkie)

(Sentinel shifts uncomfortably on the cement, but can't for the life of him tear his eyes away from the Guides tongue, which is now sucking out great gobs of creamy Twinkie center)

"oh. god."

(Sentinel eyes now follow the whole Twinkie as in one fluid motion, it disappears into the Guides luscious mouth.)

(Sentinel has sudden need to jump up and, in the absence of a cold shower, exercise)



"What are you (swallow) doing?"

"Oh, uh, er, exercising."

"Right. Why?"

(Sentinel stops running in place and turns to stare at Guide....slowly Sentinel moves toward Guide)

"Chief?" (Sexiest Sentinel voice)

"yeah?" (Wary tone, and wondering if the Sentinel is experiencing a new type of zone)

(Sentinel reaches out one hand......)

"You have a little......Twinkie cream on, lips."

(Sentinel finger gently scoops up the bit of cream and then places finger in own mouth)

"oh. god."

(Guide shifts uncomfortably on the cement floor and can't for the life of him tear his eyes away from his Sentinels mouth, sucking on a finger with his twinkie cream on it)

"Better than I remember, Chief. Much better."


(Guide eyes are still focused on Sentinel mouth)

"The creamy Twinkie filling. Much better than I remember."

(Sentinel bends over, stopping when face is mere inches away from Guides)

"Mmm, there seems to be a bit more.....cream on your lips.....let me get that for you."

"Oh, not....oh......."

(Sentinel tongue licks across Guides lower lip)


"jim? i think i have a little cream....right - here."

"Oh, yeah, I see it."

(Sentinel tongue teases across the Guides upper lip)

"and here."

"Can't miss that."

(Sentinel tongue buries itself in the Guides mouth)

"ummm......tasty. But I'm really hungry...."

(Guide stuffs half a Twinkie in Sentinels mouth)

"Gee, Jim, you seem to have a little cream filling on your lips. Let me get that for you."

(Guide tongue takes a leisurely swipe across both Sentinel lips and then makes an Olympic Gold Medal winning dive into an eager Sentinel mouth)

(The Guides tongue is now swimming freestyle in the Sentinels incredible mouth, which brings the Sentinel to his knees. He scoots forward, deciding it's time to do a little swimming of his own.....backstroke, maybe, so he pulls the Guide into his arms after realizing that wrestling holds work very well with Olympic swimming and diving)

(Sentinel/Guide bodies are about to go prone when.........)







"Promise. SIMON, WE'RE HERE."

(Sentinel/Guide scramble up, adjust clothes and check each other out, smiling like fools)


"Yeah, but freedom would be nice."

{A few more minutes, guys. That bastard Morris chain locked the fire door. But we're gonna cut you out. Sandburg okay?}

"I'm fine, Simon. Uh, just how many more minutes?"

{Five - tops}


"Yeah, damn."

(Sound of torch cutting chain - what does that sound like anyway?)

(Door is finally pushed open and Simon steps in)

"You both really alright?"

"Embarrassed, but okay. Did you get Morris?"

"Yeah, the asshole ran right into us down on Meredith Street. How did this happen, Jim?"

"Uh, Jim kinda zoned, Simon...Morris jumped us and we ended up in here."

"You okay now?"

"I'm fine."

"But I really should get him home, Simon....these zones can be tricky."

"Right. Go ahead then, get him home but full report tomorrow."

(You notice how often Simon says that? In fanfic?)

"You got it Simon, and thanks."

(Sentinel and Guide move towards exit, just seconds from escape)

"What are these?"

(Simon is holding up the half empty box of Twinkies)


(Guide grabs box out of Simon's hands)

"Calm down, Sandburg. Just how long were you two in here?"

"Not long enough, Simon, not long enough."

"Jim? Never mind, I'd be better off not knowing."

(Simon is left not holding the Twinkie box and wondering just what the hell happened but he isn't a Captain because of his good looks, he's smart too!)



Our intrepid Sentinel and Guide have now reached their home and enter the elevator:

(Just as the elevator passes the second floor, Guide's horny hand pushes the "Stop" Button, the elevator comes to a grinding halt half way between the second and third floors, but before he can attack his Sentinel, the Sentinel's hand pushes the red "LOCK" button)

"You crafty bastard."

(Guide takes advantage of the "LOCK" button and his Sentinel by shoving the man up against the back wall of the elevator and pulling the handsome head down for a full lip lock. Tongues go back to swimming and diving, arms begin experimenting with various wrestling holds and hands begin tearing at clothing)

(Sentinel and Guide are pretty sure they have broken all land, air and sea "getting naked in an elevator while stuck between the second and third floors" records) (They're right, they have - 45 seconds flat) (And that includes shoes and socks!)

(Kissing seems to be a favorite event for the Sentinel and Guide so they spend much time experimenting, tasting, nipping and sucking tongue - neither of them miss the Twinkie cream filling)

(Sentinel soon has one hand where he's always wanted.....roaming through long, curly hair.....Guide soon has his hand where he's always the Sentinel's shorts)

(Lips are an amazing body part.....true travelers. Both Sentinel and Guide have first class traveling part of either man is left unvisited, unlicked, unsucked, unbit or un-nipped, passports are stamped, frequent flyer miles a certainty......arms and legs find just the right spots to entwine, enfold, and lock over...hands join the traveling lips to explore, fondle, plunge, tweak, pinch, tease, flick, caress, grip, pull, push and stroke.)

(Both men may be new to the country of making love to another man....However, overall experience does count and both make it last.....but the inevitable must happen as first the Sentinel and then the Guide come in a hard, long, elevator jumping climax........)

(Both men lay wrapped in each other.....the elevator doesn't exactly scream "Stretch out", when one Sentinel finger scoops up some of his Guide's creamy filling from his stomach and puts said finger in his mouth)

"Better than Twinkies."

(The Guide has spent over three years following his Sentinel around, why stop now? He swipes up some of his Sentinel's creamy filling with his finger and puts it in his mouth)

"We are officially in full agreement."

(They would like to do a little more travelling but a loud emergency bell interrupts)

"Damn, someone hit the bell."

"We'd better get out of here. I'm thinking.....bed."

"Bed. Yes."

(Both men scramble up and Sentinel hits the red "LOCK" button while Guide hits the "3", the elevator moves up and doors open)

(One curly head peaks out....looks right, looks left and pulls large Sentinel quickly out of elevator.......Mrs. Rogers in #312 later insists that she saw two naked men running out of, or into the elevator......but the men were so cute that she didn't want to disturb that nice Detective Ellison in #307 with her complaint)



Late that evening.....after several trips around the world and the winning of many Olympic Gold Medals.........

"So what started this whole thing, Jim?"

"You. Eating that damn Twinkie. You looked so......"

"Like a glutton?"

"Sexy.....sensual.......erotic.....and yes, gluttony does fit."

(Guide flips over to land on top of Sentinel, brings his face very close his Sentinel's)

"You think me eating a Twinkie is sexy? You ought to see me eating a Snowball."

"I believe you did that in the elevator."

"No, that was a Ding Dong."

"You sexy talker, you....."

"Speaking of Ding Dongs?"