Coming Of Age
open mouthed at the retreating figure of the gangly youth in blue denim, Blair
audibly gasped. "That guy just cruised you!" he said incredulously.
to read his newspaper, seemingly oblivious, Jim Ellison was apparently barely
guy; the jailbait in denim who just breezed past, he was *cruising* you!"
Blair's voice had risen, and he was still staring after the man.
he *was*. Of all the cheek...he must know you're a cop too, you still have your
badge on your shirt pocket, not to mention that you're here with *me*!"
when you work in a job where the majority of the people you meet try to shoot
you, having someone flirt a little is rarely too upsetting." Jim gave a
small smile, and returned to his newspaper.
don't believe you're taking this so well! Why aren't you feeling the need to
strangle him for so *obviously* flirting with you in public? Isn't he breaking a
law, or seven?"
would be senseless violence, and pointlessly trivializing police
procedure." Jim sighed, not taking his eyes from his newspaper.
brother, where's Jim Ellison, what did you *do* with him?" Blair chuckled.
is the 'new Ellison'," Jim replied with a smirk, "In control, calm,
and reasonable, not to mention cutting down on his paperwork."
I liked the *old* Jim Ellison who was cranky, volatile, and
*unreasonable*," the younger man sighed wistfully, "He had a certain
na´ve charm and lots of Neanderthal muscle."
you only want me for my body?"
of course...what else?"
thought for a moment, "Only when it's beaming down at me as I have my legs
slung over your shoulders."
that's good enough," Jim decided, and he straightened the pages of the
sun was shining, and there was a gentle summer breeze wafting across the park as
the two men sat beneath the trees enjoying the remnants of a Wonderburger, and a
little break from police work.
shot at, and maimed on a daily basis could be a real drag sometimes, and these
quiet moments of reflection, and peace were worth their weight in gold to a
stressed out cop, and his equally stressed out partner.
still don't believe that little creep was cruising in broad daylight in a public
park, and hitting on a *cop*," Blair muttered again, fidgeting irritably,
and picking the onion rings from his salad; knowing that the smell would send
Jim reeling later in the day as they curled up for their evening game of tongue
hockey. The smell of the accompanying Wonderburger, however, appeared to act as
a serious aphrodisiac.
will you please let it go?"
Jim he must have been all of fifteen!"
was easily twenty, now quit getting so paranoid."
do you mean, 'paranoid'?"
the paper down, Jim turned to his partner; his face was unusually grim, and he
had that steely look that Blair recognized as the warning sign, signalling 'a
serious conversation is about to begin'.
you realize that for the past few weeks you've been almost obsessed about
getting older?" he asked, "Blair, you're thirty not seventy, why worry
about getting old when there's no acceptable alternative?"
paused in mid bite of burger, "I have *not*!"
you have. First there was that long discussion we had in bed about why I was
attracted to you in the first place, was it because you looked so young 'back
then'. Then we went on to the 'do you think I'd look younger if I cut my hair'
you threatened me with physical violence.."
believe I did! I don't get it Sandburg, you're an attractive young guy. You're
smart, and popular, why the hell are you getting so bent out of shape about
adding a few years to the package?"
looked away and shrugged, "I don't know, maybe it's a 'gay thing' you
I don't know. Enlighten me."
man, you know the score. Gay relationships are built on attraction, and lots of
really happy couples drift apart after *years* together when the physical side
of the relationship gets stale, or they stop getting turned on by their partner.
Gay men don't always have the old society rituals of marriage, and children to
bind them together through thick, and thin the way some straight couples do. I
guess I've just been thinking about it."
frowned, "That's *it*? You are such a *jerk*," he grunted, and stared
back at his paper.
his partner a glare, Blair turned to face him, "Why am I a jerk? For facing
for making the happiness we have *unhappy* with what 'might be'. Shit, Sandburg,
I *might be* hit by a truck tomorrow!"
see, this is what I mean, I can't talk to you about this because you won't face
the fact that someday we might just not want to be together."
that what this is about, you're having second thoughts?"
his fingers through his hair, Blair shook his head wearily, "No!"
you're spending your days stressing out on what 'might' happen someday? Worrying
over what we might, or might not feel at some time in the future?"
Jim, that was pretty complex for you, man!" Blair attempted a smile, and
wished he'd kept his runaway mouth well, and truly shut.
*not* do that, Sandburg, don't try to push all of this aside with some smart ass
remark. I'm getting really tired of this shit," Jim Ellison almost bristled
from the underlying anger and hurt in his partner's voice, Blair shook his head,
"I'm sorry. I just can't get it out of my mind. It's not like I don't know
how dumb I'm being about this, but it won't go away Jim."
anyone should feel threatened about getting old, and being 'abandoned' here, it
should be me!" Jim hissed. "What, you think this dumb old cop never
thought about it? I suppose all of those hours I spend hunting down doughnuts,
and beating confessions out of prisoners takes up all my thinking hours,
his face Blair groaned, "Quit with that shit, will you?" he shifted
uncomfortably, hating it when Jim pointed out that even Blair could occasionally
be ambushed by stereotyping, a flaw that Blair would deny with his last breath
despite knowing that it was, very occasionally, true.
it's 'shit' when I do it, but not when Mr 'Gay Martyr' Sandburg spends his time
dwelling on it?"
I'm sorry I mentioned it, okay?"
you're not. It must be on your mind a lot for you to start getting paranoid when
any guy out of diapers walks past."
back against the tree, Blair closed his eyes and sighed, "Yeah, it's on my
mind a lot. I love you Jim, and I can't bring myself to look to a time when we
might not be together. You're not just my lover, you're my *life*, man. The
whole sentinel thing is all my life has ever been about. I was attracted to you
as a sentinel even before I was attracted to you as a guy. It's frightening to
think that it all might just end someday."
rubbed his temple wearily, "Blair, you talk like breaking up as lovers
would be like dying. So what if some day we called it quits as lovers? That
doesn't mean we'd have to stop being friends, it doesn't mean I'd stop being a
sentinel and stop needing you to help me with that. Life is *not* just about
sex, no matter how much it feels that way sometimes."
small grin began to play on Blair's lips, "You know, Ellison, I hate it
when you play the 'good cop' role in this relationship and get all reasonable on
me," he teased.
then," Jim shuffled the paper once more, obviously satisfied that he'd made
his point, "So, just shut up Sandburg, and be grateful that you get laid
regularly!" he grumbled a little more playfully.
now as the tension began to ease, Blair swatted at his partner, "That's the
Jim Ellison I know, and love."
promise me you'll let this go?" Jim asked.
you promise me that we'll be forever?" Blair replied, not meeting Jim's
gaze but instead picking nervously at this fingers.
love you Blair, but I won't lie to you. I don't know that we'll last 'forever'
any more than you do."
a warm smile Blair looked up suddenly, his eyes radiating the love he was sure
he'd always feel towards Jim Ellison. "If you'd given me any other answer
but that one I'd have known you were lying, and I couldn't handle that. I love
you *because* you won't lie to me, not even to spare my feelings."
smiled, and barely resisted the urge to lean over and kiss his partner, here, in
the city park in full view of everyone. "And I meant it when I called you a
'jerk' too," he complained lightly.
I know *that*!"
words passed between them, and an uneasy truce was called. There was no simple,
uncomplicated way out of this dilemma, and they both knew that.
up, Sandburg, the chicken has landed again!" Jim ducked his head back into
his paper as the young man in the skin-tight denim sauntered back towards them,
coyly reading 'The Advocate' and almost batting his eyes in Jim's direction.
don't believe some people," Blair muttered, "You think his mother
knows he's out in a park all alone? Oh, and look, she forgot his Pampers too.
Maybe the hospital *can* repair denim inflicted penile damage?"
guess he'll be okay looking when he grows up, and starts shaving!"
can be sexy," Jim muttered.
head snapped around, and the previously soft blue gaze hardened, "You
telling me you don't like hairy guys now?" he growled, but the banter had
now become lighter, and more in keeping with their usual teasing.
stuck in my teeth."
guess it depends what you're putting in your mouth."
got a nice body," Jim sighed, pretending to not really look at the kid but
obviously having checked him out with sentinel precision.
seen more muscle on a chicken wing!" Blair snorted, and deliberately eyed
the young man menacingly.
isn't everything, Sandburg, I didn't fall for *your* muscles!"
you love me for my I.Q. Because 'smart is sexy'."
it's your ass. You have a nice ass. Kinda round and squeezable."
fought hard to keep up the angry stare, knowing that Jim was aware he was making
him laugh, "Why thank you, I'm glad you appreciate it."
as the youth sashayed past, Jim whispered again, so low that only Blair could
hear, "And your dick isn't bad, either, though I guess it could be a little
up his soda, bubbles snorting down his nose, Blair almost choked, "You
bastard!" he spluttered as Jim handed him a handkerchief to mop up his now
think I'd better take you home before you embarrass yourself even further,"
Jim helped him wipe his pants, "This is how it's gonna be when we're old
you know? Sponging you down when you wet your pants."
to stop the peel of laughter, Blair launched himself at his partner, punching
playfully at the bigger man.
they eventually climbed into the truck, Jim headed for the loft apartment before
returning to the PD, so that Blair could change into dry clothes.
gonna be okay, huh Jim?" Blair said at last, relaxing back into the seat.
said we weren't, Chief."
love you, Jim Ellison."
you said, Sandburg, you're a smart guy!"