Reality
By
K9
“Daddy,
can hearts really break?”
I
shake myself from my musing, and look at my daughter. She’s now a gangly
nineteen year old, currently suffering her first rejections, her first bitter
taste of love, and my throat constricts when I try to answer her. I want to tell
her that no, hearts don’t really break, they just hurt a lot at times, but
I’d be lying to her.
I
still can’t believe it all happened sometimes. Oz feels like a horrible
nightmare that never quite leaves your consciousness, even in the daytime, but I
know it was real, probably more real to me than the life I’m living now.
“Daddy,
I’m going back to the car, okay? I wanna call Josh.”
“Okay,
honey,” I watch her walk away with her head held tall, trying to be brave, but
she’s her father’s daughter. She covers up the pain, and lets it destroy her
from the inside, just like me.
“Toby,
stop being so hard on her,” Chris laughs suddenly. I turn my head, and note
the long-suffering look on his face.
“I’m
not being hard on her,” I protest.
“Yes,
you are. She’s a lot like you, so you’re convinced that she’ll do the same
stuff.”
“I,”
I try to argue, but he’s right, “I just don’t want her to make the same
mistakes.”
“What,
get blasted, kill a kid, get sent to Oz, get fucked up the ass by Vern
Schillinger..” he mocks.
“Fall
in love with a fucked up psychopath,” I add.
He
raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. “I can’t see Holly doin’ all
that, Toby.”
“I
could never see myself ‘doing all that’, but it happened.”
“You
gotta let go of Oz someday. You’ll never find peace until you do.” Chris
crosses his arms over his chest, and slides down on the bench beside me.
“So
say you?” I ask.
“So
say I,” he grins.
“I’m
tired, Chris,” I sigh. It’s the truth. Tired of life.
“It’s
that monster you’re feeding, it’s takin’ it out of ya.”
“What?”
I turn to look at him, and he gives me that sly grin.
“Guilt.
It’s coiled so tight in your belly, it’s a wonder you can breathe.”
“I
have a lot to feel guilty for.”
“Fuck
that! What’s done is done.” Suddenly he’s on his feet, and standing in
front of me, insisting that I look at him. “You can’t change what happened,
so stop fucking beating yourself up over it.”
“I
can’t, Chris. I’ve tried, God knows, I have, but it won’t go away.”
“What
is it that you’re so afraid of exposing if you just let yourself live,
huh? You scared that they’ll discover an average guy in there, one who gets
scared, angry...vengeful?” he stresses the last word, forcing me to remember
the person I know I can be. “Just stop, and look what you have; a peaceful
life, without constant pain, and the torment of a fuckwad like Vern Schillinger.
Not to mention a great daughter, with a killer ass,” he glances back the way
Holly went, and I cough to get his attention. “Hey, like father like daughter,
right?” he smirks, and I feel myself smile. “Toby, you gotta get out of the
past, knock down the walls Oz built around you, and fuckin’ live!”
“What
for?” I rub my eyes, closing them tightly, trying to beat back the pounding
just beyond them.
“What
do you mean, ‘what for’?”
“What
is there to live for?”
“Your
family for starters.”
“They
can manage without me now. I think they always could.”
I
open my eyes, and Chris is crouched in front of me, giving me that intense
glare.
He’s
so unreadable sometimes. When he looks at me like that, I wonder if he’s going
to kiss me or kill me.
“Don’t
you let me hear you fuckin’ talk like that, okay?” he snarls.
I
huff, the way I’ve done a thousand times before when Chris has confronted me
over something I didn’t want to discuss.
“Or
you’ll do what?” I challenge him. His eyes narrow, and his lips fall into a
thin, deadly smile.
“You
think I couldn’t still whip your ass?” he taunts. “Or maybe that’s the
point? What’s up, Toby, you missin’ my tender touch these days? Still
looking for a little heavy action?”
“Shut
up, Keller!” I groan. I know where this is heading.
“Oh
yeah, you miss the sex,” he hisses, and my groin tightens. “You
always were a little whore, Beecher, some things never change.” His laughter
coils around my dick, and suddenly my pants feel two sizes too small.
“I
was only ever a whore with you,” I admit, “Everyone else I used as
punishment for myself. You, I took every fucking inch as pleasure!”
“And
there were plenty of inches, right?” he sniggers.
“Absofuckinglutely,”
I laugh finally.
He’s
done it again, shaken me from my self-pity, and self-loathing, and made me feel
human again.
“I
miss you, Toby,” Chris whispers, “I miss you so damned much it hurts.”
“I
miss you too,” I reach out and only just resist touching his face.
“You
know I love you, right?” he asks.
Why
does he always ask that, because he already knows the answer?
“Of
course I do. I love you too, Chris. Always have, always will, no matter what
they say.”
“They’re
not important, their opinions don’t count for shit.” Chris stands up
straight and looks around. Suddenly, he lunges, and I feel his lips against
mine.
I
close my eyes, and breathe deeply, savoring the smell of him, the taste of his
lips, the touch of his rough cheeks against mine. His tongue pushes inside my
mouth, and his hand snakes behind my neck, pulling me in even closer.
I
wrap myself around him. I never want to let him go, never want to be parted from
him again. Nothing else seems to matter; not my family, my life...nothing.
He
pulls back, and looks into my eyes. I’ll never want anything so badly in my
life, as I want Chris Keller at this moment.
“I
want to be with you,” I choke out the words because they hurt so much.
“Hey,
someday.”
“No,
now!”
He
tightens his grip on my neck, and rests his forehead against mine.
“Someday,”
he insists, “Just not today.”
“I
can’t do this, Chris. I can’t walk away again.”
“Sure
you can. You gotta live for the both of us, remember?”
I
can feel my eyes stinging, and I’m angry. Why do I let him do this to me?
“You’re
so full of shit,” I try to laugh, but I’m hurting so badly.
Chris
laughs, and kisses my cheek, “Bullshit I learned from you most likely,” he
insists. “I think it’s time to go, Toby.”
“No,
not yet!” I plead.
“Hey,
I’ll see you next month, okay?”
I
nod, but I can’t manage words. The prospect of having to go another month
without him, feels like purgatory.
“Daddy,
time to go!” I hear Holly call to me, and I barely acknowledge her with a
brief wave of my hand.
“Don’t
keep the lady waiting, she can get kinda mean if you piss her off, like her old
man,” Chris teases.
“I
love you,” I hiss, barely containing my anger, and sadness.
“I
know,” he replies.
Then
suddenly, he’s gone, and I’m alone again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Miss
Beecher, did everything go okay?” the tall gray haired man asks with a cool
smile.
“I
guess,” Holly replies, chewing on her lower lip.
“Where
did you go?”
“Oh,
the usual place,” she sighs, knowing what’s coming.
“I
did explain that it probably wasn’t the healthiest of places to take your
father, didn’t I?” he says sternly, reminding her of the Principal she
loathed at her last school.
Holly
suddenly glares into the man’s face. “Look, Doctor Bruhel, I’m not too
happy at having my father committed to this asylum in the first place, without
you dictating where I can take him on his rare days out of here!”
“Miss
Beecher, I’ve explained this before. This is a hospital not an
‘asylum’. And, taking your father to the graveyard, to visit the grave of
the man that he’s fixating on is just adding to his psychosis. He needs to
accept that this is his reality.”
“Maybe
it isn’t,” Holly glances through the partially open door, to see her father
sitting by the window, staring out at the sky, and smiling gently to himself.
Her heart leaps into her mouth, and she struggles with the tears, “Maybe
wherever he really is, it’s a better reality than this one. Who are we to
judge?”
“Miss
Beecher, I must protest...”
“Go
right ahead, doctor, protest all you like. Next month, my father gets his usual
trip, whether you like it or not. I owe it to him. He’s a good man. Anyway,”
she lifts a tear away from her freshly applied mascara with an elegant
fingertip, and blinks, “It’s the only time he smiles anymore.”
The
End
Reality”
by Staind
The
lights are on but you’re not home
You’ve
drifted off somewhere alone
Somewhere
that’s safe, no questions here
A
quiet place where you hide from your fears
Sometimes
when you’re out of rope
The
way to climb back up’s unclear
The
walls you build around yourself
I
guess they also keep you here
Are
you afraid of what they think?
Whoever
“they” happen to be
Or
are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?
So
you sedate and drown in vain
You’ve
got a pill for every day
A
suit and tie to mask the truth
Its
ugly head is starting to show through
Sometimes
when you’re out of rope
The
way to climb back up’s unclear
The
walls you build around yourself
I
guess they also keep you here
Are
you afraid of what they think?
Whoever
“they” happen to be
Or
are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?
The
monster you’re feeding, your lack of perception
The
things you will do to fulfill your addictions
The
light at the end of your tunnel is closing
What
is it that you’re so afraid of exposing
You’d
give it all up for what’s there for the taking
Whatever
it takes to keep your hands from shaking
The
same things you’re thinking might make you feel better
The
same things that probably got you here
Sometimes
when your out of rope
The
way to climb back up’s unclear
The
walls you build around yourself
I
guess they also keep you here
Are
you afraid of what they think?
Whoever
“they” happen to be
Or
are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?
The
monster you’re feeding, your lack of perception
The
things you will do to fulfill your addictions
The
light at the end of your tunnel is closing
What
is it that you’re so afraid of exposing
You’d
give it all up for what’s there for the taking
Whatever
it takes to keep your hands from shaking
The
same things you’re thinking might make you feel better
The
same things that probably got you here